Fear, checklists, and control...

Each spring, I am blessed to have great seasonal work. A few hours each week, some extra cushion. I have used it for house projects or unexpected expenses. Sometimes, it is play money.

This year I have specific plans for the money, so I took as many hours as the company would give me.

And I have been on a tear, teaching two classes – which I love – working lots of seasonal hours, and keeping up with all the stuff of life, with its surprises and demands.

Early in April, a couple tasks were overlooked, so I decided a daily list was in order.

Are you like me? I am REALLY good at making a list. Really good.
But in the Land of A.D.D., where all things seem possible, my list looks like this:

• Schoolwork
• Laundry
• Mail packages
• Pick up scripts
• Clean garage and yard and porch
• Vacuum, clean, and reorganize LR/DR/Kitchen/BR/Office/Laundry room
• Learn Photoshop

Go ahead. You can laugh. Or you can say, “I feel THAT!”

Here is my list from Monday.

Yes, I have been writing down almost everything. No mega tasks, no jobs only Wonder Woman could complete in one day. Just the multitude of items that need to be crossed off that day. And it feels good.

First lesson learned.

I don’t do well sitting at a desk for long periods. An old table-ish thingy has been in the garage for years. It is the perfect height to allow me to work standing up. I ordered wheels so I wouldn’t be stuck in one place. The plan was to paint it, put wheels on so I wouldn't be confined to one place, and bring it in.

I get stuck on spots like this. Often. With blogs or photos or furniture or or or…

It needs to be how I envision it, or it stays in my computer or my garage or my head.

Two weeks ago, I put the wheels on, wiped it down, and moved this non-matching piece of furniture in the house. Big girl.

Guess what? The house is still standing. The matching furniture police have not arrived at my door. And it has been much easier to maintain my focus for long hours. Go figure.

Second lesson learned.

The plans for the seasonal earnings are exciting to me! Mostly it is for my speaking/blogging business. Like the table-ish thingy, I have been waiting to get it JUST right, instead of simply getting it going. This money will give me a boost.

At the same time, I feel the need to cover as many bases as I can before investing in something that may not be “essential.”  I deliberate and shop and research ad nauseum before pulling the trigger.

Maybe you have done that? You start out wondering if you should upgrade to the Samsung S6 and by the time you decide, the S8 is out. Yeah, you know what I mean.

I have made a spreadsheet and calculated earnings and listed every possible obligation I might have.
I have accepted as many hours as I can get, while teaching two classes, because I want to be certain everything will be okay.

The plans I have are not extreme by any means. I just want to be sure.

Last week I scheduled my car inspection two months early. WHAT???? I am usually being squeezed in the last week of the month. But I wanted to check that off my “covered” list.

When my car guy called shortly after my scheduled appointment, I thought it had to be good news.

   “Is my car done??”
   “Why do you want it inspected now when it isn’t due until September?”
   “No, it’s due in June.”
   “No, Beth, it’s due in September. So yes, your car is done.”

I was disappointed. My great plan had been thwarted. My proactivity had been for naught. And, of course, the questions started.

My car is in great shape. It isn’t old or high in mileage. But still…I wanted to be sure.

Then came that inner voice. You might call it Spirit or Source or Universe or intuition. I call it God along with the great number of folks who love me from that side.

   G: Why are you concerned, Beth?
   B: I want to be sure I have everything covered, that my car doesn’t need anything.
   G: Yes, that is clear. But, why?
   B: I don’t understand the question.
   G: Are you going to wait a few MORE months until everything is certain?
   B: That seems like a trick question…
   G: So, in July, you will be sure?
   B: …
   G: Well?
   B: I’ll get back to you…

I have been working two full time jobs for a month. Nothing wrong with that.

I have been making lists and checking things off so nothing is missed, and have been meeting my other obligations. Nothing wrong with that.

I have been ciphering and planning as if my life and my bank account are constrained by what I can see in front of my face right this minute. Nothing wrong…

Oops.

   B: I’m back. I knew it was a trick question.
   G: It wasn’t. You simply need to decide what you believe.

Ouch.

What do I believe? Really. Not profess – believe.

Do I believe that when I get intuition, signs, and guidance about big and little things every day, the God who created me won’t be present when I am making this decision? Like I might spend money when He is on break and He won’t have a chance to stop me? Like He hasn’t been privy to this plan all along?

Do I believe that Jesus came to bring abundance but that what I can see today is the totality of my potential for income, for creativity, for LIFE?

Do I believe that God’s heart is for me, for all of me, for every part of me, or that He just watches and laughs and shoots down lightning bolts?Jesus told the Disciples that they had the same power He had.
The same power that raised Christ from the dead is in me. Do I believe that? Do I?

I say I do.

Then I go over the edge trying to control this and being afraid when I can’t.

Third lesson learned.

What do you try to control out of fear?

Yes, I said fear. A need to control comes directly from fear. Not responsibility, not planning, not proactivity. All of those are good, but when they are properly aligned, they do not lead to a fierce need to control.

So, what do I believe?

Who is better to guide my life?  Me, who doesn’t know when her car needs to be inspected? Me on my own? Or me along with the Creator who grew me from an egg, holds the planet in alignment, replenishes our food, controls the wind, and wants to help me tap into all of that?

To be sure, the God I love does not want to control. It is a collaboration.

What is control anyway? A nebulous concept.

The only things I can control are my thoughts and who is in my ear. Funny thing...that is all I need to control.

Fourth lesson learned.

Watch for my dream to grow. God and I are on it. No Fear.

We will talk again soon…

Beth Painter is, among many other things, a writer, photographer, and motivational speaker. You can follow her on Facebook on the “Think Big focus small” page. Beth is available to speak to your group about how to make your dreams and desires come to life!